Saturday 21 July 2007

CHAPTER 26

6 DEGREES OF DECAPITATION
an ongoing blog-based insult to all that is good in the world


CHAPTER 26: TICK-TOCK

INT. CHOPPER --DAY

Furious D hangs up his cell phone and slides it casually into his pocket.

GIGI
What did Chloe have to say?

FURIOUS D
Not much, just that our friend here Agent Traitor is....

PLAYFUL1
Gay? Cause I was kinda getting that gay vibe thing.

TRAITOR
I'm not gay! Why do I keep getting that?

FURIOUS D
No, Agent Traitor is not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that, he's a...

GIGI
Unitarian?

FURIOUS D
No. He's--

PLAYFUL1
An Amway salesman?

FURIOUS D
No! He's a--

TRAITOR
Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! I'm a Pisces!
Furious D whips out his pistol and puts it to Traitor's head.
FURIOUS D
He's a traitor! Agent Traitor is a traitor! He's working for LaFarge!
There's a shocked gasp from everyone, including Traitor.
TRAITOR
Wait a minute, are you talking about my name, or what I've been up to?

FURIOUS D
What you've been up to.

TRAITOR
Then you've got me pegged. I've sold out my county.

FURIOUS D
Who? Who is behind LaFarge and his plot?
Traitor shrugs.
TRAITOR
I don't know. It could be Middle Eastern Terrorists, it could be some shady corporate conspiracy. It all depends on if the Fox Network gets threatened with another boycott.

FURIOUS D
Land this chopper. NOW!

TRAITOR
Fine. They're going to write me out anyway.

FURIOUS D
What do you mean?
The glass of the chopper's canopy shatters and a bullet from outside hits Traitor right in the head.
FURIOUS D
Chompy! Take the controls!
Chompy the Badger leaps to the co-pilot's seat and takes control of the chopper. But something is wrong with the controls and the chopper begins to descend in a mad tailspin.

GIGI
We're going down!

FURIOUS D
I should be so lucky.

GiGi whacks Furious D on the back of the head with a frying pan.

BLACKNESS

EXT. GRASSY FIELD --DAY

Furious D regains consciousness in a field. The chopper is a burning wreckage in the background.
FURIOUS D
Where does she keep that damn frying pan?
MARCEL (OC)
Welbum Fuvius T.

FURIOUS D
What?
Furious D turns to see Marcel, until recently the doorman at Saccharine's high class brothel, but now his face was swathed in bandages and he was aiming a pistol at Furious D.
MARCEL
Fime gumma kibb boo.

FURIOUS D
Who are you? What are you saying? Are speaking French or something?

MARCEL
I'm Marfel. Fi gant talg ryd bebuzz ob hor bajer.
FURIOUS D
Oh, you're Marcel, and you can't talk because Chompy chewed you up pretty bad. Where are my friends?

MARCEL
Dond nobe, dond kayr. Hube die.
Marcel's about to shoot when...

Furious D throws a big rock and knocks the gun out of Marcel's hand. The two begin hand to hand combat in a flurry of masterful martial arts moves.

As Furious D battles Marcel we go into another split screen showing...

CHLOE at CTU HQ filing her nails.

GIGI walking along a wooded path, a cougar sneaking up behind her. The cougar also has a gun.

PLAYFUL1 locked in a basement tied to a chair, a time bomb showing that she's only got 5 minutes before it goes off.

CHOMPY at an Denny's ordering a coffee and a grand slam breakfast. But a man with piano wire is sneaking up behind him.

THE PRESIDENT looking concerned and presidential out the window of his Oval Office. His eyes widen as he sees a small missile heading straight for him.

GASTON LAFARGE on the toilet reading a People Magazine.

LAFARGE
Oh Posh Spice, why do you fascinate me?


LaFarge realizes he's on camera.

LAFARGE
A little privacy please.


TO BE CONTINUED...

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